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Friday, October 22, 2010

Peace

Since my mom has died, I've had alot of dreams about her...or make that nightmares.

I've dreamt she's back like nothing happened, Ron is still with her, she can't understand why I'm angry. I've had nightmares since she died.

I told my husband recently that since we had mom's gravestone installed and we did our goodbye to her, I've felt better. I haven't had nightmares about mom. It was like the last bit of guilt I had went away.

Last night I had an amazing dream. I woke up, finally feeling at peace.

In my dream, I was standing in a field watching Iain play. Mom was there. Her body wasn't there, and we weren't talking to each other, but it felt like she was standing next to me. It felt peaceful, it felt safe, it felt like home.

In my dream Iain ran off and I stood there for a second watching him go off, trying to decide if I should follow him, or if I should stay with mom. Then I heard her voice clearly telling me to "Go with Iain, I'll always be here."

I'm tearing up as I write this. It felt so full of love...so full of peace. Like my mind has finally processed everything, and I'm ready to let her back in...without feeling guilty.

I sound so hokey saying repeatedly that I feel at peace, because I've never been at peace. It's just no other way to describe it.

Thank you mom.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The day the world stopped turning

About this time 1 year ago, the world stopped.

I woke up, getting ready for my new job, happy, waiting for mom to come take care of the boys.

6:15, no mom. She must have overslept. I start the calling between house phone and cell phone. At 6:30, I received the call.... he couldn't wake her up, she was cold.

I got my step-mother to come watch the boys, all the time praying the paramedics would be able to revive her. Hoping that by the time I got there, she'd be arguing with them that she didn't want to go to the hospital.

I got there, the ambulance was still there, no one in it. I walk in the backyard to see Ron crying telling me he was sorry.

I ran up the stairs into mom's room, and the world stopped. There she was on the floor, a breathing tube in her mouth, gone.

All sorts of things pop into your head...this isn't right... has to be a mistake... maybe she's alive, they just haven't propped her up yet...how am I supposed to react...what am I going to do...this can't be real...no, not my mom.

But it was real, she was gone. I spent the next few days in a daze, trying to work out funeral arrangements, arrange for daycare for the boys, trying to work, trying to come to terms with the horror my life had become.

The hardest thing I've ever done is saying goodbye to my mom in the funeral home...seeing her one last time. knowing this was my last chance to touch her, to run my fingers through her hair, to smell her, to be with her. Knowing she was going to be cremated in a day or two, that I'll never be able to see her face again. I wanted to stay in that room with her forever, I wanted to curl up on the table and cuddle her, tell her I loved her, that I always loved her, that her boys loved her, that she was mine and what right did God have to take her away.

I finally had to walk out of the room, because staying there was just too painful.

In the last year I've gone through unbearable pain. The pain of losing mom, of fighting with her husband, having him steal everything that was hers, have the house taken away, the memories gone, having our first Thanksgiving without her, my first birthday without her calling to wish me a happy birthday, the first Christmas, the boys' birthday without grandma to spoil them rotten, the first Mother's day, having to explain what happened to Jamie, buying her gravestone, and today, thinking back on that awful day.

It will get better. I don't believe it, but I have to cling to that hope, because if I don't, I'll never get through the rest of my life.

I love you mom. More than you knew, more than even I knew. I love you and the boys love you, and your being gone has left a huge void in our lives.

And today, I must force the world to start turning again.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

You are what you complain about

There's a battle going on in Twitter-land, that makes me almost want to unfollow most of my follow list.

The participants are all women in their 30s and 40s with children of their own, and they're acting like teenagers bullying each other in the hallway.

I do not pretend to know everything that is going on, because I use the internet for FUN, not another drama to add to my life, but here are my thoughts (like you asked, huh? LOL)

1. If she had a house with a pool, why wasn't there a fence around the pool? If there wasn't a fence, why would she let him wander off while taking pictures of farm animals?
2. If she wanted privacy, why was she on twitter moments later, tweeting and then getting people to pay for her child's funeral expenses? When you start asking people to pay for things for you, you open yourself up to criticism. It sounds mean, but it's true.
3. As for the "mob", you're mad because someone posted something you didn't agree with. You say she was picking on your "friend." I can understand that, but aren't you all just doing the same thing? Ganging up on someone and picking on them? And I've read some of the posts. You are laughing about making death threats against her. Really mature. Your mad because she is profiting off a child's death. Well, sorry to say, the mother profited too, she got people to pay for a funeral for her.

I once read something, that everyday I am more and more convinced is true... You only let things bother you that deep down you believe at some level to be true.
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