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Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The day the world stopped turning

About this time 1 year ago, the world stopped.

I woke up, getting ready for my new job, happy, waiting for mom to come take care of the boys.

6:15, no mom. She must have overslept. I start the calling between house phone and cell phone. At 6:30, I received the call.... he couldn't wake her up, she was cold.

I got my step-mother to come watch the boys, all the time praying the paramedics would be able to revive her. Hoping that by the time I got there, she'd be arguing with them that she didn't want to go to the hospital.

I got there, the ambulance was still there, no one in it. I walk in the backyard to see Ron crying telling me he was sorry.

I ran up the stairs into mom's room, and the world stopped. There she was on the floor, a breathing tube in her mouth, gone.

All sorts of things pop into your head...this isn't right... has to be a mistake... maybe she's alive, they just haven't propped her up yet...how am I supposed to react...what am I going to do...this can't be real...no, not my mom.

But it was real, she was gone. I spent the next few days in a daze, trying to work out funeral arrangements, arrange for daycare for the boys, trying to work, trying to come to terms with the horror my life had become.

The hardest thing I've ever done is saying goodbye to my mom in the funeral home...seeing her one last time. knowing this was my last chance to touch her, to run my fingers through her hair, to smell her, to be with her. Knowing she was going to be cremated in a day or two, that I'll never be able to see her face again. I wanted to stay in that room with her forever, I wanted to curl up on the table and cuddle her, tell her I loved her, that I always loved her, that her boys loved her, that she was mine and what right did God have to take her away.

I finally had to walk out of the room, because staying there was just too painful.

In the last year I've gone through unbearable pain. The pain of losing mom, of fighting with her husband, having him steal everything that was hers, have the house taken away, the memories gone, having our first Thanksgiving without her, my first birthday without her calling to wish me a happy birthday, the first Christmas, the boys' birthday without grandma to spoil them rotten, the first Mother's day, having to explain what happened to Jamie, buying her gravestone, and today, thinking back on that awful day.

It will get better. I don't believe it, but I have to cling to that hope, because if I don't, I'll never get through the rest of my life.

I love you mom. More than you knew, more than even I knew. I love you and the boys love you, and your being gone has left a huge void in our lives.

And today, I must force the world to start turning again.
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