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Friday, October 22, 2010

Peace

Since my mom has died, I've had alot of dreams about her...or make that nightmares.

I've dreamt she's back like nothing happened, Ron is still with her, she can't understand why I'm angry. I've had nightmares since she died.

I told my husband recently that since we had mom's gravestone installed and we did our goodbye to her, I've felt better. I haven't had nightmares about mom. It was like the last bit of guilt I had went away.

Last night I had an amazing dream. I woke up, finally feeling at peace.

In my dream, I was standing in a field watching Iain play. Mom was there. Her body wasn't there, and we weren't talking to each other, but it felt like she was standing next to me. It felt peaceful, it felt safe, it felt like home.

In my dream Iain ran off and I stood there for a second watching him go off, trying to decide if I should follow him, or if I should stay with mom. Then I heard her voice clearly telling me to "Go with Iain, I'll always be here."

I'm tearing up as I write this. It felt so full of love...so full of peace. Like my mind has finally processed everything, and I'm ready to let her back in...without feeling guilty.

I sound so hokey saying repeatedly that I feel at peace, because I've never been at peace. It's just no other way to describe it.

Thank you mom.

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