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Saturday, April 2, 2011

Facing my fears

Ever since we got Jamie's diagnosis, I've done everything I could to make his life normal. Maybe normal isn't the word. We've learned what works and doesn't work with him. We know his trigger points, we try to make his life easier.

School is so hard for him. School really brought out the Aspergers. We try to give him a soft place to fall when he comes home.

We had an IEP meeting at the school yesterday. I was concerned with what would happen with Jamie next year. I wanted them to identify a teacher for him now, one who could handle Jamie, let them see Jamie in the classroom setting...see what works and doesn't.

What I got... was what I never wanted to hear. He's not ready for first grade. He isn't emotionally able to handle kindergarten. He doesn't have the social skills or the ability to function in a much more rigid setting like first grade. They want him to spend a majority of his time in the special ed class, and go to first grade for certain areas, like special classes and math.

They tried to say that it would be easier for Jamie, he'd have more one to one interaction (because there are only 6 kids in the class), they could teach him to his level in reading, keep him calm, let him go to some classes with the other kids his age, but limit the stressors of being there all day.

While this sounds like the best thing for Jamie. I'm devastated. I didn't want Jamie in the "special" class. He's so smart, I don't want him to flounder. And I know that part of it is what they did to "special" kids when I was growing up.... they stuck them in a room, taught to the lowest level, let them flounder, they were ostracized by the "normal" kids. Hell, last year in pre-K, when they put Iain in with the special kids because he needed OT and speech therapy, he was in there with kids who ate like dogs and wore diapers. He floundered...he didn't do anything... I don't want that to happen with Jamie. He's too smart.

I'm sure I offended the teachers with my questions. But I don't care. I DO want what's best for him. And I guess right now it's my fear of the perception, fear of the unknown, fear of how he will be educated... I'm scared for him.

And I guess it's also that I can't lie to myself anymore. I can't think our lives are going to be normal with just small deviations. That there really is problems with Jamie. problems I can't fix. Problems that will only continue. That he'll never be "normal."

I don't want this!! I want Jamie to be "normal." I don't want him to have to go through life being different. I don't want him to have Aspergers. I'm not strong enough for this.
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