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Monday, August 13, 2012

Being a Mom is the Hardest Thing

On the day your baby is born, you look at this miracle and whisper that you'll always love them and you will always be there to protect them.  You screw up along the way, but you do your best.

Last week I took Iain to the hospital to get the mole removed from the back of his head.  It was controlled, we knew what to expect.  We knew he'd be in pain, but we knew he'd be okay.

Today, I hear crying, and see Iain running down the hall holding a blanket to his ear, saying he hurts, there's blood.  I pull the blanket away...  I know that I have to try to remain calm.  That if I freak out, Iain will freak out.  I get him to go in the bathroom while I try to find a towel to wet and put to his ear.

I look at his ear, and it's clear, there's nothing I can do.  We have to go to the hospital.  Because of the blood, we have to go now.

I put shoes on him, find him a change a clothes to put on for when we leave, make Jamie put shoes on, and rush off to the hospital, calling my dad and my husband.  Usually ER visits are 6 hours and I can't deal with Jamie flopping around while Iain's crying, so I wanted dad to take him home.

The doctor comes in to tell us that the problem is, he split his ear almost halfway horizontally, and broke the cartilage.  He says that cartilage doesn't heal very well, and is prone to infection.

He then sends us out of the room, that way he can be the bad guy and we can come in and love him after.  I was quite okay with that, as I had already told Dad he had to stay with Iain because there was no way I could handle it.  In the waiting room, I could hear the crying.  I had to leave the building.   Here I am 37 years old, crying on my daddy's shoulder like a teenager.

Hubby met us at the hospital (after receiving a panicked call in the car while driving home from work), and we walk in to see my baby.  The injured soldier.

The doctor said he was lucky enough that everything fit perfectly and he put stitches in, but you can never tell about the cartilage.  He had local anesthesia, but by bedtime it was wearing off, he was in pain, and was having problems getting comfortable and sleeping.  I gave him some pain medication.  I just hope he can make it through the night.

Today I failed in keeping my baby safe.  He's hurt, in pain, will be scarred, and I wasn't there to stop it.  The only consolation I have is that I got him to the hospital within 20 minutes, so the docs could work on him before he started to clot.

I feel so guilty. I feel so bad.  I feel so useless.

Being Mom is the hardest thing.

3 comments:

  1. I am the mom of a 6-year-old daughter w/ADHD *unmedicated, and a brilliant 2-year-old son (walking by 7 months, defeating all but magnetic child locks by 11-months-old) and at a newly 2 can point to and name some states on the map. My daughter, jumping on the bed when she was 4-- almost put her front tooth completely through her lip... mouth injuries BLEED I freaked, in the end she was okay, and had the warning of this is what happens, two days later back to hopping on the bed. I was making dinner one day and my kids, then 5 & 1 were running through the house, had be asked not two, and ten seconds later I had blood pouring from my little ones forehead. Docs used super glue, and a Popsicle later a few uncomfortable days, and he still ha a wonderful Harry Potter scar. -.- The point I am trying to make is, kids are resilient, and injuries are bound to happen. It's doesnt make you any less of a good mommy-- it just means your kids aren't bubble wrapped and in solitary confinement. We all have doubts about our mommy ability, and in MOST cases, we are just beating our self up over a blameless incident.

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  2. Not to* I can't believe I wrote the wrong two. :S

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  3. Thanks. I know I need to stop beating myself up. I hate seeing my baby in pain, and when I saw his ear, all I wanted to do was cry.. it was just a stupid accident that shouldn't have happened, and that's why I'm so bothered.

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