Sunday, November 27, 2016
It's been 11 days since my father died. It wasn't even a secret that he was dying. He'd been fighting cancer tooth and nail for three and a half years. But he'd rally. They're day he was going to die, and he'd get better. Sure, he wasn't eating or drinking, but he'd done that in the past, and here he still was. We were told that he's be entering Hospice on a Thursday. We made sure that his DNR was honored. I kept telling him that I loved him and it was okay to go. I did that for 6+ hours a day for 6 days. He was dying, just a bit day be day. I'd watch him struggling for breath, but part of me thought he'd somehow, some miracle would happen, and he'd get better. In the hours before his death, he reached out to me. It wasn't a grand declaration of love, he'd been unconscious for 4 days.It was a small, tiny thing by moving his feet when I played three of his favorite songs. But he was in there. I begged him one last time to go. Even still, I held out hope. Then we received the phone call shortly after midnight. He passed away. He was gone. I couldn't cry. I had wanted him to be out of pain. He told me he was tired and didn't want to do it anymore. I had to stay strong for my stepmother and my kids. I had to help plan a funeral. Had to make sure everything Dad wanted done, be done. Eleven days later. He's still gone. We've done the Memorial service. He's still gone. I read the letters he left for me in his safe. He's still gone. What am I supposed to do? My life revolved around making sure I was able to help when he needed me. He's still gone. The phone hasn't rung. I don't have any messages where Dad is telling me to call him back before he dies. I don't have any text messages of him yelling that the phone sucks and he hates it. He's still gone. I never believed he'd actually die. I believed he'd just keep going, defying science, the doctors, or even me. He's still gone. I have no idea what I'm going to do. His death has left this huge whole in my life. I can't concentrate, nothing seems to matter much anymore, How long is this feeling going to last? How long until I stop listening for his phone call? How long until I stop waiting for a text? How long until I don't feel like half my world has disappeared? How long until I can breathe without dissolving into tears? It feels like it's been months since he died, but then it feels like it was yesterday. It feels like months since I kissed him, but it's only been days. It feels like months since he told me he loved me, but it's only been days. Tomorrow, I wake up and am once again reminded... He's still gone.