When did I grow up?

From the time you're a child, you're told wait til you grow up.

When you're a child, you count down days til your birthday.  You're not merely 6, you're 6 and 3/4. We had a tradition.  Mom and Dad would take me out to dinner in Frederick, we'd go to the mall, and I'd get my picture with Santa.

Then at some point, we grow up.

I was reminded of this 2 years ago on my birthday.  I worked all day, went to the grocery store to pick up the cake I had to order for myself, went to the pizza place to pick up pizza, and then came home.  I was immediately greeted by an excited 4 year old, who came running to me and yelling Happy Birthday Mommy....and threw up on me.

That was when I knew I was grown up. 

This year, tomorrow I'll be 37.  I'm sick, hubby is sick, I'm in pain with an eye problem that's going to get worse as I age, and my birthday will be spent at a Xmas party for boy scouts, and awaiting snow.  No dinner out with mommy and daddy, no Santa.

I love my family.  But for some reason this year, I miss when I was a kid.  I miss the excitement.  Having people REMEMBER it's my birthday, sing happy birthday to me, go out to my favorite restaurant with mommy and daddy, Santa.

When did I grow up?  Can I go back to being a kid?

Map-Dot Fingerprint Dystrophy

I went to the doctor. It's nice I finally have a word for what's wrong with me, but aggravating because there is no cure, and this is going to get worse.

I have severe dry-eye coupled with something called Map-Dot-Fingerprint Dystrophy. Basically my eyes aren't flat, they are rough with all these valleys. So tears and drops tend to fill in the valleys, but don't really get to the whole of my eye.

"Complications of Map-dot-fingerprint Dystrophy?
In some cases, epithelial erosion may occur. Epithelial erosion can expose the nerves lining the cornea, causing severe pain. The cornea's normal curvature may be altered causing astigmatism and nearsightedness

As the cornea is altered, vision may be blurry and accompanied by:
Moderate to severe pain. The pain will be worse on awakening in the morning.
Increase sensitivity to light
Excessive tearing
A feeling that something is in your eye."

She said the tear in my cornea wasn't an injury, it is the erosion of the cornea in that area. And the biggest problem I have is every night when I sleep, it sort of forms a "scab," which I rip off the moment I open my eyes. Which just sets the tone for the rest of the day.

She doesn't think I should move to the more advanced treatments of implantations in my eyes or restasis because they're more for tear production (which it doesn't seem I'm having too much of a problem with), and because I'm probably going to have to resort to that a few years down the line, so she doesn't want to start off with that therapy.

oh joy.