I didn't think there'd ever come a time in my life when I was a bit disappointed when the weekend came.
But now there is.
It's so easy during the week. Wake up, get dressed, get boys up, get them dressed, drop them off at daycare, rush to work, work, rush home, make dinner, baths, put the boys to bed, put myself to bed. Repeat.
During the week, I function....I do my job, I joke around, I do simple life things...
When Friday afternoon hits, it's like a part of me shuts down. I can feel myself retreating. I find no joy in the simple things, I'm depressed the whole time I'm doing my weekly shopping, seeing old people brings me to tears. I stare off into space. I can feel my mind not working. I sit and hope Monday comes soon.
I'm a nervous wreck when people aren't where I think they should be. I call my husband....I even worried about the day care providers one day when they weren't there in time.
It'll be 4 weeks Monday that my world changed forever. It's so hard to believe it's only been 4 weeks since my life became one big suckfest, and at the same time, think it's only been 4 weeks but feels so much longer.
I miss my mom. I miss her so much I ache. I miss her not coming through my front door every morning at 6AM. I miss her not calling me to remind me I forgot to take dinner out. I miss her calling me to tell me Jamie peed on the potty. I miss going to her house and being enveloped by her. I miss her.
While doing simple things like shopping...your brain wanders. Today it wandered to... Did she know I loved her? I told her, yes, but did she believe I did, or did she think I was just saying it. Did she think I took advantage of her. Did she know I loved her so very much? Did she know that I would give anything to have her back?
Every day sucks. I feel like a part of me was buried with her 4 weeks ago. I feel lost and alone. I feel so pissed off at my step-father for letting this happen, I'm pissed off at myself for not seeing it, I'm pissed off at her for not telling anyone, and I'm pissed off at God who took her away from me.
She's in a better place. Bullshit. God needed her more than me. Bullshit.