The life and times of a stressed out momma

My life was alot simpler a year ago.  

I was planning the summer of fun with the boys.  A chance to reconnect with them, and spend time with them.  Try to be the kewl mom again, show how fun I can be.  I dyed my hair pink.  Took them to the pool every week, let them be a wizard with Harry Potter.

This year, I have a dad with terminal cancer, who has spent the last 2 months in hospitals and rehab.  Who was released last Tuesday, to be admitted back to the hospital with kidney failure less than 48 hours later.  He got out of the hospital Sunday evening, and again barely less than 48 hours later, he's being admitted for renal failure again.

We had to finally break the news to the boys tonight that he has cancer.  That's why he's been in the hospital so much, and why we'll likely have him in and out of the hospital all summer long.  Maybe it will make them more patient with our having to run around doing errands for my dad and step-mother.  

But we can't hide it any longer.  They need to know.  We need to start preparing Iain for the loss of his Pop. Pop had lunch with him every day for the first 4 years of his life.  And most of the first 3, he spent curled up in Pop's lap.

And now I'm trying to run a business at the same time.  Trying to make money for my family.  Trying to find something to keep me sane in the midst of all this calamity.

Time

Time is one of those subjective things.  At times time moves so slow you don't think you'll ever get what you're waiting for.  At other times it moves so fast you don't have time to blink before it's gone.

When I was pregnant, time moved so slow.   A nine month pregnancy felt like 2 years.  When I was in labor, time moved even slower.  Since the time the boys were born, time seems to have flown.  It seems only yesterday I was holding and cuddling them all night.  Now they're about to graduate 2nd grade.

When my Mom died, all I could do was lament that I didn't have time with her. I didn't have the time to tell her I loved her.

Now my father is dying.  We were promised anything between 2 months and 5 years.  We knew we didn't have much time, but we had time.  Time for us to say goodbye, make memories, one last trip to Disney, time for the boys to understand what is going on.

On April 1st, my father found out he had Stage 4 Colon and Liver cancer.  He went in for surgery on April 11th.  He's now battling for his life because he caught an infection in the hospital.  In 23 days, we've gone from having forever with my father, to the possibility that any day could be his last.

Where is this time we were promised?  I can't even complain it went by too fast, because we haven't had it!  I'm struggling with how to explain it to my boys who are completely devoted to their grandfather, and he them. I thought we'd have more time for memories, for explanations, for telling each other we love them.  That time is fading fast.

For my father, I'm sure he's thinking time is moving incredibly slowly. He's in so much pain, I'm sure he wants an end to the suffering.  For the rest of us, time is moving way too fast.  He's slipping away too quickly.  I still have tons of things to say before I say goodbye.

If only this could be one of those times when we could slow down time.